


I'd Hate To Say I Love You

by OnewisloveOnewiswifi



Category: K-pop, SHINee
Genre: Fluff and Angst, M/M, My attempt to recreate cold era?, Onew and Jonghyun being fustrating, Romance, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-13
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-20 13:04:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,021
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4788272
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnewisloveOnewiswifi/pseuds/OnewisloveOnewiswifi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So this is a fic posted on AFF and was SUPPOSED to be a one shot, but I kinda missed it. So new chapters are on this site and that one. Anyway, it's about the tension between Jinki and Jonghyun as pride and homophobia stops them from admitting their love.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

They shouldn’t be doing this. Not in the dorm. The others will hear, and it would create a world of chaos.  
But wasn’t that their relationship already?

Just staring at his slacked jaw and flushed face drove Jonghyun wild. It must be love. But seeing Jinki, his leader on his back, tears slowly dribbling down his cheek, made him feel better. He was the one in control. The one who just went along with this, and that he could give up whenever he wanted. Even when Jinki needed it more than anyone.

Just looking at the excitement in Jonghyun’s eyes made Jink’s heart soar with pride. It had to be love. But seeing the eager look on his band member, the sweat rolling down his mouth, the dirty talk that shone with enthusiasm made him feel superior. Like he was the one who knew what was important, mature and the one in control. He was the one who was giving Jonghyun the pleasure he needed. Nothing more. And this was just a small hobby, something unfulfilling, no matter how much Jonghyun showed passion for.

And they stayed in, nights like this, after their workout. Jonghyun, slamming his leaders back against the cool wall that sent shivers down Jinki’s spine. Jinki, smirking, as Jonghyun leaned in, and the furious clawing he knew was going to arouse them more than anything. 

The heat of their bodies conformed and clashed in a big muddled mess, exploding in intensity that would burn them if it was heat. Emotions welled up then, crying, laughing, screaming, and embracing coursing up and down their body. Painfully confused, angry, and desperate, Jonghyun clung to Jinki like he was air. And Jinki returned the favor by pushing his fear and anger onto Jonghyun. And as mind blowing as their time together was, there was always an alarming amount of guilt. All of these feelings passed a tipping point, and they welled up with insanity, creating them a chance and lash out their stress onto one another, bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball.

But never joy.  
No, joy was saved for the Award shows, the game shows, the high they felt when they sang the last note of their latest hit. No, joy was never shared between them.  
So when Jinki told Jonghyun that he couldn’t stand the feeling, even if he craved it more than anything, hope: strange, crushing and painful hope consumed the two, and they fell onto the mattress, smiling. Even as tears exploded from their eyes.  
Who were they kidding?

And they closed their eyes by one another, where they would lay until Key found his bruised band members, surrounded by dry tears, clutching each other’s arms, and looking happier than they would ever be again.


	2. Morning

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! The second chapter. This one is focused on Jinki.

When they wake up, they notice the dorm blanket draped over their bodies.

Shit.

That means that one of the members saw them there, and it terrifies Jinki to no end.

Shit.

Jonghyun barely comprehends it before he feels cold air stinging his skin and he groans. He wakes up and sees Jinki. His eyebrows are furrowed and he looks absolutely horrified. It hurts Jonghyun just before he notices the blanket. Quickly, he helps Jinki clean up the messed up room and hops into the shower.

When Jinki hops in Jonghyun feels infuriated. But then Jinki turns his back and he's back to feeling tired, rushed and worried again.

He cleans himself up and they silently leave the room.

\------------

When they come down to the kitchen, they realize how early it is. The sun is just poking out, almost giving them the illusion that none of it ever happened - that it was just another argument of words. But Taemin is a bitch and crashes their little fantasy when he groans loudly from upstairs.

"Key, did you make anything yet?" he's mumbling, but stops short when he sees the two of them standing the kitchen awkwardly.

"Oh, you guys fought again, didn't you?" he asks.

Jinki looks up at him, sort of annoyed and relieved at the same time.

"Yeah," he grumbles. "Milk?"

"You know, you two always do this. You fight for a little bit and then you guys forget it ever happened. It's kind of funny really."

"Milk?"

"....yeah."

Taemin leaves the kitchen. But not before whispering a small sorry in Jinki's ear. It was so quiet he nearly misses it.

\---------------

When they go to practice, they find that it's closed for remodeling. Jinki holds back his excitement as he runs into his room. It's rare to get a good sleep during the end of promotions and he's going to make the best out of it. He flops onto his mattress and sighs as he feels his back relaxing. And he closes his eyes.

But he doesn't sleep.

He can't sleep.

His body allows it. His mind almost does. His heart does as well. But he can't. He can't do it.

He can't do it - he can't do it because of Jonghyun. He can't do the things he loves most because of Jonghyun.

He can't sleep - he can't interact - he can't love because he can't love Jonghyun and he can't love without him.

And it's so damn frustrating and it takes toll of him so much because he wants to be normal. He just wants to get married to someone who he meets out of the need for marriage, he wants to love and cherish them, he wants to trust and build a family with them but they aren't Jonghyun when they need to be.

And he wants to be business partners with someone he can lean on and trust, he wants them to depend on him with their trust, and he wants someone who is with them and who he knows won't send him rocketing across his room out of fury.

But he can't do that because of Jonghyun.

And he can't sleep because of Jonghyun.

But Jonghyun is cruel to him too. Jonghyun won't let him love, won't let him work, won't let him live happily.

But Jonghyun is nice enough to let him cry.


End file.
